The Ultimate POTCF Seriously
by POD5000
Summary: just read it, you know you want to... guaranteed to satisfy


The Ultimate Pirates of the Caribbean Fanfic!

Preface:

Before you read this fanfic, we must warn you that after reading it you will come to the inescapable conclusion that teenagers with computers are a menace to society, for this is a parody of a parody.

It was a cool, breezy night on the ocean. The waves were lapping gently against the window of the cabin in which Elizabeth was tossing and turning on her bed wearing only her nightgown.  
"Oh Will," she moaned throatily, "I'm going to marry you tomorrow. But... but... something is wrong..." How could she still love Jack? She had pushed her love to the back of her mind for so long. But now, the day before her wedding, it was all she could think about. But she couldn't marry Jack.  
"I must find a way to solve this dilemma," she muttered to herself. One solution presented itself immediately. She would...  
"Become polyandrous!"  
"If you're going to have multiple husbands, why not take a wife too, luv?" said a voice, and Jack's head appeared in the porthole. "I brought Tia Dalma, just in case!"  
"But how did you know I was going to arrive at that conclusion?"   
"Inevitable, luv, inevitable," said Jack.  
"Wait a second- is this all still going on in my head? No, it can't be: in my head you say 'savvy' a lot more."  
Suddenly, Commodore Norrington fell through the ceiling.  
"I was just thinking," said the Commodore, "that you would probably be thinking about polyandry right about now. And I thought: if you're going to have multiple husbands, why not make me one of them? And while you are at it, why not take a wife? So I brought that woman from Jack's crew, Anamaria."  
"But this doesn't make any sense whatsoever!" exclaimed Elizabeth, "And something else strange: it's been almost a week since I've been kidnapped."  
Everyone collectively gasped in horror.

Meanwhile, Weatherby Swann stood beneath Will's window, pacing back and forth. He knew that Will would wed Elizabeth tomorrow, but he wasn't sure if Will would make her a good husband. After all, he was part poor blacksmith, part pirate. What a terrible combination!  
"Oh, how will I talk my dear daughter out of this!" he exclaimed.   
"What the hell was that?" asked Will, sticking his head out the window.   
Weatherby Swann jumped in surprise- he hadn't expected to be overheard. Suddenly, a plan slid across his mind.  
"Oy, Will, my boy- here's an idea- why don't you sleep with this prostitute I have back at my house? She's pretty hot, and all." Then, unbeknownst to Will, he would lead Elizabeth in on them and the whole marriage would go out the window so she could marry someone suitable!  
"Wouldn't that be a bit out of character for me?" asked Will. Then, after a moment's thought, said: "But I guess it wouldn't be, since I don't have a personality. And I am still single…"

After Elizabeth had awakened her fiancés with smelling salts, she convinced them to come with her to her father's house to inform him of their polyandrous engagement.

"And I suppose we should tell Will, too…"

So they turned the boat around, and headed towards her father's house. Suddenly, the flapping of wings fluttered over their ship.

"Look to the skies!" cried Elizabeth.

"Yes love, savvy that!" said Jack. They all looked. A carrier pigeon of unusually large status flapped over their ship, and dropped a monkey onto their deck.

"I say, it's a monkey!" screamed Commodore Norrington, and he promptly shot it with a pistol. But the monkey continued to lope towards them, the blast unaffecting it.

"Hey! It's the undead monkey!" said Jack. "What's that I see in his paw? Well because its paper and message and was carried by a carrier pigeon therefore inevitably it must be without a doubt- a message!" He swayed drunkenly (as usual). Elizabeth plucked the message from the monkey's paws. It read;

Dear Elizabeth,

Please meet Will and me at my house for dinner tomorrow night.

Love, your father

Elizabeth replied:

Dearest papa,

Your suggestion is perfectly timed as I am already on my way back to Port Royal with news for you.

Love, Elizabeth

The next evening…

Elizabeth, Jack, Tia Dalma, Commodore Norrington, Anna-Maria, and the cursed monkey disembarked at Port Royal.

"I still can't believe I'm doing this." Said Elizabeth, "Can a woman even have husbands and wives?"

"To answer said question" muttered Jack drunkenly, "you have to consider: That when a woman loves a woman its wrong but men loving woman is right so if a woman and a man are married then it's okay to have women on the side in a marriage that consists of women and men, so therefore yes, its okay."

"Aren't you forgetting something with that speech?" asked Elizabeth.

"Oh, yes." Said Jack. "What I meant to say was: you have to consider: That when a woman loves a woman its wrong but men loving woman is right so if a woman and a man are married then it's okay to have women on the side in a marriage that consists of women and men, so therefore yes, its okay. Savvy, luv?"

"That's better." Said Elizabeth. They had arrived at her house by this point and were being escorted up to the pantry. They were given a few odd looks by the servants, but the monkey hissed at them, and they resumed their neutral expressions.

"Father!" she screamed upon seeing Weatherby Swann. She ran up to him and hugged him, then gestured to Jack, Tia Dalma, Commodore Norrington, the monkey, and Anna-Maria.

"Give them tea," she said, preparing the next words of her confession.

"First," said her father, "Go up to your room and put on your best dress. Please."

"Back in a minute." Said Elizabeth, heading to her room. Jack stumbled after her. She opened the door and…

"Scarlet!" exclaimed Jack. Scarlet, pushing Will away, whisked across the room to slap Jack. Will blushed and pulled the bedcovers over himself.

"Elizabeth! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I never…"

"No problem." Interrupted Elizabeth, "I've decided to become polyandrous. Now I'm marrying Jack, Commodore Norrington, Anna-Maria, and Tia Dalma. And you. And maybe Scarlet."

"Can Giselle marry you too?" asked Scarlet.

"Why not?"

Jack leered at Scarlet, who slapped him across the face.

"Let's go downstairs and tell my father!" said Elizabeth happily. They trotted downstairs, linking up their arms and doing the can-can.

When they arrived downstairs the monkey was swinging from the chandelier, Anna-Maria was swinging about a sword, and giggling madly because she was drunk. Weatherby Swann tried to calm them down.

"This so very improper!" Weatherby Swann murmured.

"Father!" said Elizabeth loudly, "I have an announcement to make."

Everyone, even the monkey, grew quiet.

"Yes, dearest?" he said, smiling because he thought Elizabeth had called off her marriage to Will.

"Well, you see, I'm marrying Will, but I'm also marrying Jack, Commodore Norrington, Anna-Maria, and Tia Dalma, Scarlet, Giselle!"

Weatherby Swann promptly fainted. Elizabeth rushed over with smelling salts to revive him. For the second time that week, she was not the one fainting. How bizarre! I must remedy this…

"My daughter…" croaked Weatherby, "You have always been so strong willed. I doubt I can convince you not to do this. But you have not been yourself lately…"

"I know," said Elizabeth gravely, "And I know just the thing that's missing- I haven't been kidnapped lately."

"I know! We'll make a sign saying **Please kidnap me **and hang it around your neck. Then you can walk about the streets of Tortuga ringing a bell and saying 'hear yee, hear yee'. Savvy?"

A huge smile crossed her face. "Sounds good to me."

The next evening, in Tortuga…

"Hear ye, hear ye! Woman wanting to be kidnapped! Please kidnap me!" cried Elizabeth, walking through the streets followed by her fiancés.

"I'll go find Giselle and meet you at the _Generic Sleazy Tavern_ in an hour." Said Scarlet, slapping Jack a few times for good measure, then leaving.

"Hear ye, hear ye!" Elizabeth continued. The monkey scampered off her shoulder and ran down a dark alley, screeching. Elizabeth followed, shouting. Suddenly, the screeching stopped and two dark forms loomed over her.

"Want an apple?" said one of them (Elizabeth wasn't sure which one).

"Captain Barbossa! You can kidnap me and I'll be back to my old self in no time at all!" yelled Elizabeth, hugging the form on the left with a cold squelch. Obviously, this was not Barbossa, but… Davy Jones!

"You two know each other?" asked Elizabeth.

"It was inevitable, luv." Said Jack.

"Just out of curiosity," said Will, "about how many times do you say 'luv' in a day?"

Jack's reply went unheard as Tia Dalma cast some dice and said to Davy Jones: "You have a touch of… um… uh… squidiness about you."

"I have no time for your hazy priestess prophecies," snapped Davy Jones. "I have to kidnap Elizabeth. I owe it to her."

"Wait! That sounds lovely, but we have to swing by a pick up Giselle and Scarlet first," said Elizabeth.

"Oh all right," sighed Captain Barbossa.

Five minutes later Elizabeth, Will, Jack, Tia Dalma, Anna-Maria, and Davy Jones passed below a sign saying:

The Generic Sleazy Tavern

Guaranteed at least 3 brawls per hour!

Captain Barbossa did not follow, as there was no way his hat would fit through the doorway, and he never took it off in public. In moments they found Giselle and Scarlet, leaning over a man in a uniform.

"You adulterers!" said Elizabeth.

"But we're not married yet!" pouted the girls.

"Ah well, that is true… but not for long!" said Elizabeth, a gleam in her eye. The girls walked up to Jack and slapped him several times from either side.

"Let's go," they said. "I guess this guy's your kidnapper?"

"That's right."

Later, Davy Jones, Captain Barbossa, Anna-Maria, Scarlet, Giselle, Will, Jack Sparrow (**Captain **Jack Sparrow), the undead monkey, Tia Dalma, and Elizabeth boarded the ship where Weatherby Swann was waiting.

"Davy Jones and the other guy pigeioned me, saying they were going to hold a bachelorette party for Elizabeth and invite one of their available female friends. Oh, and they asked me if they could join your marriage web. They must have caught wind of it somehow..."

Five minutes later, the bachelorette party was in full swing.

"So," said Weatherby Swann to Barbossa, "where is this available female friend?"

"Davy Jones!" yelled Barbossa, "summon the available female friend!" A few minutes later there was a bump and the ship stopped moving.

"Oh, we must have hit a kraken." Said Will.

"Why would you summon a kraken to attack your own ship?" asked Weatherby, who was now hiding behind a wardrobe.

"I didn't summon the kraken to attack the ship," said Davy Jones, "I summoned her to meet you."

"SHE's the available female friend?" asked Weatherby, "You want me to marry a kraken-ette?" He thought for a moment. "Well, I hope she likes a man who wears a wig."

"Now let's get this party started!" giggled Jack, waving a bottle of rum he had magically produced from his bootleg.

Suddenly on the horizon a dingy appeared, coming towards them at an incredible pace.

Seeing the flash of red Jack screamed "Red coats!" and jumped of the side of the boat. Giselle and Scarlet jumped after him, slapping him underwater.

"But we're not here to arrest you!" they cried, "We're hear to see if we could get in on the action- uh, marriage-wise."

"Sure," chimed Will, "Too many cooks never spoiled the broth!" They were welcomed on board, along with Jack, Giselle, and Scarlet; who had been pulled from the water.

"But… this still seems like it's against the laws of marriage…" said Elizabeth.

"Well," said Barbossa, "they're more of what you'd call guidelines than actual rules."

THE END


End file.
